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Post by sarahc on Nov 30, 2014 14:55:59 GMT 7
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Post by Marion on Dec 2, 2014 16:59:59 GMT 7
Hi Sarah, Thanks for sharing this – it was good to see some new material from Rafa’s POV. I reckon you are considering this as a first chapter because it emphasizes the Mexican perspective more – rather than getting straight into the uglies of Mid-Western racism? To be honest, while I enjoyed many aspects of this chapter, it doesn’t wow me in the way a whopping opening chapter needs to. But let me tell you in more detail why … (This and script notes are included in the following Word document : Feedback Rafa and Rose ch 1 30 Nov 14.docx (34.19 KB) What works really well in this chapter (wherever you end up placing it): • You get the basic character situation of Rafa across really well. We meet all of his family, get an idea of family dynamics and of Rafa’s basic character struggle (Mexican boy vs. US education system and vs. family pressures) as well as the rivalry or differences with his brother. • There are some great humorous elements in the scenes with Mandy – also hinting at the faint possibility of romantic interest. You set up the theme of bewilderment and intrigue between both cultures straight away, mixing the more dramatic or antagonistic elements with light-hearted aspects. • All in all, I think the crux of a Hispanic perspective on Americans who try (too) hard to embrace immigrants and foreign cultures or ultimately fail to do so is funny and poignant. Cool stuff! On the issue of Rafa’s voice: I like that Rafa’s voice integrates American slang (stupid hick school) and Spanish expressions quite fluidly. To my ear, the Spanish exclamations sound a bit stiff though: Trágame tierra or Dios. Maybe they aren’t. It’s just the impression I get as an uninformed reader. I would expect him to use “cooler”/younger Spanish lingo, adopted from his Mexican buddies back home or in Chicago. At other times, he sounds a bit like a middle-aged British novelist: Part of me wanted to check out the caliber of artists or A riveting tale of last year’s senior prank. Some suggestions: Instead of feeding potentially hackneyed Spanish exclamations into Rafa’s mouth (or mind), it might be more interesting to let him use the Spanish name for random specific items or at certain times (e.g. when counting or thinking of Mexican pop song lyrics?). Or it might work to make his thoughts mostly English and restrict the Spanish bits to direct speech? Whatever you do, the way Rafa and Rose speak is going to rock this novel. From what I’ve seen, you’ve gotten very far with Rose’s voice. Rafa will need more work. My overall advice: make him young, colloquial, quite American (he is trying to fit in after all) and work out his sense of humour. In terms of contrast to Rose: she seems more cynical and pragmatic in attitude. So it seems that Rafa might be the “poetic” one in their relationship. Even in this early chapter, it would be nice to get some “poetic perceptions” of his mixed in with the rest, told in simple words (strong nouns instead of long sentences or too many adjectives). For example: his sisters might look incredibly fragile to him of a sudden. Like precious mermaids washed onto the high school’s lino floor? Their curls fanning out etc etc.? Expectation & SurpriseI like how you invert clichés. The guidance counselor and student president are not (outwardly condescending) to the Mexican family and it’s the Mexicans who have a laugh at the American girl’s incapacity to speak Spanish. But other than that, most of the immigrant clichés are there: parents who push their kids in school and to whom college admission is the Holy Grail. Latino lover antics. The ambitious smart son doing his best. The little sisters passive and well-behaved, dreaming of being princesses. I think you could play with this whole scenario in your head some more and have fun with it and entertain readers more. Take narrative risks, I’d say, allow crazy, truly surprising stuff to happen that baffles readers and pulls them into an “unusual” book. E.g. the school prank is happening on the first day of school, the very day Rafa and his family come to enroll – and he sees the rampant pig in the corridor! As with your previous novel project, it takes time to nail the perfect opening chapter. I hope my notes are a little help in the process! Let me know if you have any additional questions, Cheers, Marion |
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